It’s Like A Two-Year-Old With Above-Average Intelligence

As it turns out, I AM smarter than a Fifth Grader.* Sadly, my sixth grade child is not. Allow me to demonstrate, by way of example, just how dire this situation is.

Jeff Foxworthy: Napoleon was the leader of France … blah blah blah … Was Napoleon his first name or his last name?

My child and I, in unison: FIRST NAME!

Me (to child): What was his last name?

Child: DYNAMITE!

I was hoping she was kidding, but she was not. Upon seeing the look of utter horror and disgust on my face with her educational endeavors to date, she tried to play it off like she was kidding. She wasn’t fooling me.

Child: I KNOW it’s not Dynamite…hahaha.

Me: What is it, then?

Child: *insert the sound of crickets here*

I shook my head silently and tried to figure out how many extra jobs I would have to take on in order to get her enrolled in a high-end private school and employ tutors in every subject.

Child: If you’re so smart, you tell ME his last name.

Me: Bonaparte.

Child: Nuh UNH.

I didn’t respond, because, really…why?

This is simply another example of the disconnect between my child and myself. I suppose it will work out nicely for her, as I’m quite decidedly a nerd. In my defense, I’m a cool nerd. ** At least in my own head. Then again, I’m sure all nerds think they’re cool to some degree…even the ones with cheap plastic pocket protectors fully equipped with those old school black clicker pens that say “US GOVERNMENT” in small letters on the barrel.***

She’s decidedly not a nerd. I’m not entirely sure what she is just yet, what with her unyielding desire for blue hair and trashy clothing, but I’m certain it’s not “nerd.”

In entirely different news, it’s possible that while I may be smarter than a fifth grader, I don’t have the impulse control most adults appear to possess. In fact, I don’t have the impulse control that most toddlers possess. Allow me to elaborate.

I received an email today from Famous Footwear. At some point in my existence, I must have been in some sort of Jamba Juice brain-freeze haze when shopping along the 16th Street Mall in Denver and joined some sort of rewards program at Famous Footwear when I was on my New Balance shoe buying spree.**** They now have my email address and feel compelled to shower me with e-fliers announcing sales and such. Today’s email, however, came with a foreboding warning that my $5.00 reward certificate was going to expire on Monday.

OH NOES!

What I want to know is why I’m now completely OBSESSED with needing to buy new shoes so I can get my $5.00 off price? It’s five bucks. Yet, in MY head, it means I’ll have to spend at LEAST 20 (probably more like 60) in order to reap the benefit of the 5 dollars. As it turns out, there is another pair of New Balances I think I need to own, despite the collection I’ve already amassed. One would think I would go to the gym more often. (One would be wrong)

THEN, if that wasn’t bad enough, I got a coupon from Bath & Body Works for a free little jar of something called Patricia Wexler (MD) Dermatology. It’s some sort of skin regeneration crap that will undoubtedly show absolutely no signs of any kind of regeneration on my tired, old face. The hitch, of course, is that I have to buy something.

The sad part is that despite my awareness of how ridiculous this all is, it’s a very high probability that within the next month, I will be sporting a brand new pair of New Balances on my feet and regeneration crap (that, if I were a betting gal, would wager will make me zit out like a 15-year-old on a pizza, Coke and french fry binge) on my face.

Thus, it has been established that:

1. I am smarter than a fifth grader.

2. I have no impulse control, despite my alleged 11-year-old intelligence.

3. I am a nerd with a lot of athletic shoes.

You’d think I’d get asked out more. Huh.

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* This should please my employers. It’s certain that they weren’t fully confident of that assessment. I’m sure they still aren’t, despite my vast knowledge of Mayan civilization and forest biomes.

** Hey man, at least I don’t play World of Warcraft!

*** Where do those pens come from, anyway? The obvious answer is the US Government…but which branch is responsible for the production and distribution of these pens? And who is on the design board, because they are some seriously ugly-ass pens. Whatever is going on there needs to be changed. Perhaps the candidates should make the US Government pens some sort of priority in their platforms. I mean, the economy and the war and health care and education are all lovely things to spar about, but for the love of shit, if we’re giving these out in the gift baskets bestowed upon visiting heads of state, then it’s no wonder we’re the most hated nation in the world!

**** Last year, about this time, I decided that it was imperative to own several colors and styles of New Balance athletic shoes. I was just starting my weight loss endeavor and had recently diagnosed myself with plantar fasciitis, so these were allegedly the doctor-recommended shoes for people with rotten feet. Turns out, it was less “plantar fasciitis” and more “being a fatass” that made my feet hurt. In the meantime, I grew to love the NB’s, and now must own them all.

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Published in: on January 24, 2008 at 8:49 pm  Comments (3)  

Cold Remedy

I have never been one for actually wishing to be sick. In fact, like most of you (minus the hypochondria set), I pretty much loathe being sick. I loathe it so much that I will go out of my way to take precautionary measures to avoid it. Some of it was probably a little counter-intuitive along the way, but it served its purpose. By that I mean that I would often actually put myself directly in the line of fire of seasonal afflictions, like coughs, colds and the flu.

Once upon a time, I used to make my living managing restaurants, with occasional bouts of waiting tables and bartending. I also attended a public university before meningitis vaccines were all the rage. Add to that a toddler who went to daycare and pre-school. If someone was going to get sick, it should have been me. It really wasn’t, though. In fact, I believe that spending all that time in close proximity of various viruses only served to make my immune system Super Industrial Ninja Strength.

With that said, I do normally get about one nasty cold per year. I haven’t had the flu in nine years, despite my best efforts. No flu shot. No Emergen-C. No nothing, really, except one mother of an immune system.*

Recently, I’ve heard of this phenomenon involving Vick’s Vap-O-Rub. Have you heard this, too? If you haven’t, allegedly, when you are sick, stuffed up and coughing up globs of alien mucous, what you should do is slather Vick’s on the bottoms of your feet, throw on a pair of socks and just lay there until you feel less miserable. From what I understand from two reliable sources, this method works wonders.

Being the cynic I am, I have been wanting to try this out for the last 4 months. Do you think I could get sick?? Hell no! I’ve gone out in the cold with wet hair, no coat and bad shoes.** I’ve stayed up late and not eaten enough. I’ve done all I can to erode my immune system enough to catch a wayward virus, short of eating used Kleenex.*** I’m healthy as can be. Therefore, I have to resort to guinea pigs. Currently, I have two people at work doing the Vick’s experiment at my behest. I shall have some feedback tomorrow.

If it turns out that it also worked on them, I will never get sick again as long as I live. If it doesn’t work, I’ll be riddled with the flu and probably a little ebola for measure by the weekend. This is how things work. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will work, not because I don’t want to get ebola (because who doesn’t love hemorrhagic fever?), but because I suggested it and I really hate looking like an ass.

I suppose if the Vick’s fails, they can always try these.****

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* It may appear that I’m jinxing myself by stating this so boldly. In reality, that is exactly what I am doing.

** If you’ll recall my frostbite post, you’ll realize how determined I really am to get sick.

*** Even I have limits.

**** Seriously…the hell?? If someone has used THOSE, I totally need to hear about it. I also want to know exactly how much crud oozed out of your feet while you slept.

Published in: on January 2, 2008 at 9:47 pm  Comments (3)